GENIE: you have 3 wishes ME: I wish I was a little bit taller GENIE: done ME: I wish I was a baller GENIE: done ME: I wish- GENIE: *hands me a phone* I see where you’re going here

I haven’t been allowed to wrap gifts ever since the Scotch tape argument of ‘98.

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

I once wrapped a present so tight Saint Nick AND Tommy Chong gave me a personal hand shake

Big week for videos of senior citizens trying VR headsets.

Men need to feel protected too sometimes.

I wanna punch sean mcvay in his fuckin forehead. he's got the face of an asshole.

[getting stabbed] MURDERER: STOP. SAYING. OUCHIE.

Good morning. Make officials talk to reporters after games. This is my entire platform. Tucker 2022.

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone's day by asking "did you brush your teeth?"

Me after hearing a Dan Campbell speech. #OnePride #HBOMax #HardKnocks #HBO

The Lions are probably better than a half dozen of the teams that DID get in.

My wife can't remember her password she changed yesterday but can remember what I said on June 12, 2015 at 1:38PM.

I don't care what anyone says, Doritos and Chips Ahoy tasted better in the 80s.

Mechanic: You need new struts. Me: [sashaying by very sassily] Mechanic: not like that

Hot as balls. Cold as balls. I don’t think balls are a reliable method of measurement.

What’s everyone’s favorite episode of Dawson’s Creek to watch on 4/20?

-your orders been picked up- has become the highlight of my day

one of my favorite things to do is yell at pro athletes with a mouthful of cheese bread

tried explaining hockey to my wife and now I wanna punt a small child