“You need to live in the now”

Me: but I don’t like it here

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too

“If you want to have a good day you have to make it a good day”

Me: well what if I want a pissed off day? I don’t have to put any effort into that

Ok! Ok! I’m leaving!
Your lightbulbs were all starting to burn out anyway

It takes everything I have not to say ‘that was a good year’ every time a cashier tells me the amount

Sorry I’m late… I was watching Western Civilizations circle the drain.

“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

Me to bailiff: Fo’ Shizzle

Just realized I peddle short stories like drugs. Want a hit? First one's on me.

No way I’m losing to this guy again in the sequel.

My Uncle Gary fought a deer in Oklahoma this afternoon

Modern parenting is making sure your kids say “please” when they ask Alexa to play something

On any given platform, my algorithm ends up being mostly just cats and trauma.

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

tom brady during this roast

I'm only here to embarrass my family on a more global scale

No, I don’t want a chair that will make me more productive at work. Wtf.

Even my imaginary friends are assholes.

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

he asked if i wanted a straw and i said “do i look like i hate turtles?”

God: Any other requests?

Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!

God: No problem.