Hard pill to swallow: your sleep quality sucks because your thermostat is too high and you don't place your trust in the blanket.

I'm basically what would have happened if the Weird Science machine fell into the hands of Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchett, and the Zucker Brothers.

I get it, women, I mute porn because I don't want to hear men either.

Roses are red
Violets are violet
If it ain’t true, I might get violent

Poetry is easy.

Pro tip for security guards: when your boss and another celebrity are publicly threatening each other via diss tracks etc, stay *inside* the mansion's security gate behind bullet proof glass if possible. Not by the road. Unless you're looking to get drive-by shot, yo.

Looks like you brought taffeta to a headbutt fight.

Just me telling you to take things off, slowly, until you're almost naked and I'm passed out drunk.

A little hurtful but whatever.

When I say I won the met gala, I mean nobody could put up anything resembling a good fight in those stupid outfits. Utterly crushed it.

Mainly going to pornhub because it's one of the few things I still qualify for.

I won the met gala by two furlongs.

Too complicated *force choke

I missed dying with you in a long passionate embrace at the beach on Scarif because I was in an ice hole on Hoth, cuddled up inside a dead tauntaun, scrolling and shitposting.

Spawn of Evil Plastic Shower Curtain has earned itself an exorcism for unnecessary grabbing and useless clinging.

wading.

I was a national merit semifinalist and yet here I sit, decades later, thinking 'that fucking thing was just living on Hoth.'

I’m that asshole that will break into your car just readjust your car seat and slightly move your rear view mirror ....

Getting awfully tired of tucking myself in every night. The dog acts like he’s going to but he’s lying!

Me during small talk in public

Welp, I'm in my 40's, I guess my legs aren't gonna get any longer.