I'm almost 50. When I throw it out it doesn't always come back

If our politicians were a true representation of the individual, they'd be selected randomly like jury duty.

My cat's water dish getting a firmware update is one of many concepts I never thought I'd have to ponder in my lifetime.

I've woken up extra early just to be the first to ruin your day.

I could have sworn I heard my cat giggle as I tripped over him for the 100th time.

You cannot celebrate a man getting shot in the neck and still claim to be a good person.

Good morning to everyone except people that celebrate when another human life is taken

They should change Bluesky's name to Shithead Containment Zone

If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, we should assume it's a moose and never accept arguments.

This is what real Criminal Justice Reform looks like

Some people only appear in your life when they need to tell you you're doing something they don't like. Fuck those people.

I think these types have levels too

In my twenties, I fought to survive. In your twenties now, you hope to God you don't have to change a tire.

*hanging upside down during my daily bat practice *Googles: "do inversion tables really work?"

How libertarians see election cycles

In loving memory of the thought I jotted down in the form of an acronym

🎶 I can still hear you saying, shut the fuck up, I'm trying to sleep 🎶

In reality, soft close toilet seats only created loud close toilet seats.

That's our artisianal generational trauma. We make it in-house.