The autumnal slide into mediocrity has begun.

Look at me, using Twitter like it's 2016.

I would extend my 8pm bedtime to 9 for you.

Don't you fucking worry about how many dino nuggets I've eaten.

The second chin sweats more than the first.

Y2K is actually happening tonite

What if I slept in a basket like a dog

The donut: nature’s apple

Still can’t find the Go Fish table at this casino.

turn up your volume! 😭

Apparently flying today is the new Oregon Trail

Why yes, yes I do have a favorite fork.

do you guys think snoop and martha have at least kissed

Netscape is taking a long time to load

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

I'm gonna go mow my yard, everyone else go inside and don't look at me.

Mediocre & it feels so good

Respond to every single text you get with: “Message confirmed.”

I'm starting to feel like there might be bad advice on the internet.