Cashier: "Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?" Me: "Holy shit, yes of course…I had no idea we were that close."

I'm gonna turn all this pain into something beautiful like a tweet or a close friends story

caught my cat trying to drag an entire loaf of bread down to the basement to eat in private

what a time to be alive (derogatory)

Sorry I missed your call. I watched it ring and everything.

i’m gonna turn all this pain into something beautiful. like a poorly timed joke that makes everyone feel weird

“do something with your life” um i am. have you heard of a little thing called squandering

Scottie Scheffler just gave one of the best (and deepest) press conference answers ever heard.

it’s so cool how almost everything is a scam and is simulatenously killing us

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

Man, I bet those Coldplay fans are so happy with the WSJ right now.

chatgpt is always writing shit like "It's not just huge — it's 𝗹𝗮𝗿𝗴𝗲."

some filmmakers spend their entire lives trying to achieve what this vid does. betrayal, tension, stakes (picture day tomorrow) all perfectly communicated through dialogue and a still camera angle. and the open ending? teasing the main antagonist in the last 5 seconds? cinema.

Weeeeeeeeelllll.....

Move over Baby Shoes

capybara making a delicious pizza

I created an account (using Fb) to submit an original pitch to their writers program and the account got deleted 48 hours later. So I made another account and that too, got deleted 48 hours later. Still have no idea what happened and never heard back. Still wanna write it though.

keeping myself humble by remembering that no matter how smart I think I am, it’s still not smart enough to get off twitter

Zach Cregger you a freak