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A hooters waitress liked my tweet about diarrhea

Imagine unmuting to say "nothing from my end, thanks" from here

my dentist said my teeth are “unique.” i asked if that meant haunted. he didn’t say no

(with absolutely No tonal inflection) that is hilarious

Your honor, when my client says he has rizz, he means he has “rizzpect” for your courtroom and the legal system in general.

my wife is bullying me again

I keep my steam deck under my pillow like a goblin with a cursed amulet

Not much for conspiracy theories, but I don’t believe Nancy Reagan was real

showing this to my barber at great clips

playing beyblades with my cousin and a piece flies off and explodes granny’s urn

no i love that you are the key witness in a number of strange sightings

Semi fried kinda rice

Father’s Day is when dads everywhere finally admit their favorite child is the garage

inspector ratchet Hey get off your phone and hold the flashlight

inspector ratchet Watching it grow from a woodshop to a brewery

Getting so tangled in the sex shop bead curtain that they have to put me down like a horse with a broken leg.

I love summertime in the south. It’s 96 by 8am, you get a 30 minute torrential monsoon with some light flash flooding around lunchtime, and the afternoon feels like being cremated on an oil drum bbq smoker inside a damp sleeping bag.

Performing Not Afraid by Eminem at Applebee’s