Artificial Intelligence is now going to be used to monitor residents health and well-being at assisted living facilities… its only an added bonus that it will also scare the shit out of old people.

This morning my dog peed in my bed. Now I know how the women I slept with in college felt.

I have a friend who’s in his 30’s and plays with Lego’s every day. I’ve lost friends to heroin, alcohol, cocaine. Those things concerned me but this terrifies me.

Always be closing

A survivor of Epsteins island recently stated that she was never sexually abused by Bill Clinton, however she will press charges if she has to listen to him play the fucking saxophone one more time

Why do boomers love commercials so much? My fathers favorite comedian is Jake from State Farm

Jojo’s Too Little Too Late is one of the greatest songs ever made

It’s a bummer Fresca never really took off the way I was hoping it would

Leave (get out) is also a pretty sick jam by JoJo

The early 2000's sitcom Boy Meets World was a huge hit among younger disney channel viewers. However, the sequel Boy Eventually Dies was not very popular.

Bam Margera recently completed a yearlong rehab program for alcohol. He says he's feeling healthy and is finally ready to start getting hit in the balls for money again

My dad really hooking me up with some good comedy advice…. Dave Portnoy

Really bummed I never became a pimp like all those rappers told me to

tough mudder is just white people pretending to be runaway slaves

Get rich or die trying #CollegeFootball #collegegameday #gamblingtwitter #gambling

This weekend at Helix — Beau McDowell! Seats are filling fast at Comedy's New Home at Patriot Place. Schedule and tickets: thecomedyscene.club

NIGHT 2 of Beau McDowell is tonight! 🍗🍸🍺 Bytes Foxboro 🎟️ thecomedyscene.club

Tonight! Get tickets to Unhinged Comedy: A Night of Unfiltered Comedy ft. troy bond jr (grand admiral) Torey Cole Matt Lopes 🦖 & more hosted by Beau McDowell at 7PM! #comedy #comedian #standupcomedy #standup #connecticut #stamfordct #stamford stamford.newyorkcomedyclub.com/events/unhinge…

A cop is born

He took it too far