bio in bio

People who don't have their Twitter on dark mode probably looked directly into the sun on the 8th.

Just drinking my tap water staying in my own lane.

I’d wish my ex the best for National Ex Spouse Day, but he’s already had it.

Calm down, Sis!
You’re only his Twitter Wife M-F from 9-5.

eating your lunch in your car at work is the adult version of the high school bathroom stall.

*loses 1lb* OH I HAVE DEFINITELY EARNED A CHEESEBURGER

girls will be like 'this is my comfort snack' and it's the beating heart of her most hated enemy

'This is not working for me'
[gestures at my life]

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

I'm not asking for a good day. I'm demanding it.

i think a big mac could fix me.

Ignoring the DMs isn’t working so I’m gunna start replying with, ‘can i borrow $20’

At this point in life I only buy running shoes ironically.

I’m your dreaded, cheerful morning person who wants to talk with you before your coffee!!

Show me your glasses

Takes a special kind of person to change my sweet into ice

Not remembering is the key to forgetting.

Really praying the next poop is 10lbs.

The sexiest thing a man can be is honest and loyal.