It costs absolutely nothing to be kind to other people.

Algorithm Condemns Man To Lifetime Of Content About Something He Looked At One Time buff.ly/3LaZ21J

audrey turns irate
loretta goes into a snit
evelyn becomes vexed
harriet has a fit of pique
dorothy gets slightly miffed

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

If by “gotten over it” you mean “learned to live with it”, then yes, I’m over it.

Biggest lie ever spoken, “to make a long story short.”

Age gracefully like a fine wine; just keep the vintage a mystery.

Get in loser. We’re going soul searching.

Whoa, I just realized that raising a kid is basically 18 years of prompt engineering 🤯

Self-medicating with a caesar salad.

70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots

You’re not necessarily the reason I drink alcohol, but you are the reason I put it in my coffee.

It only takes 203 muscles to roll your eyes and walk away. Follow me for more fitness tips.

I went to see the movie Civil War for you so that you won’t have to. You’re welcome.

Sex? In this economy?

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

I wanted to be healthy and buy organic vegetables, but all they have at this krispy kreme are donuts.

I spend my entire day looking for the opportunity to take a nap.

pandas have huge teeth, bite force of a lion, gigantic sharp claws, and the strength of any other bear. yet they choose to be silly. the power in that.

You wanna hear a good advice? Yeah, me too.