Use your time wisely, take a nap.

Imagine sex with me. No, I’m too tired.

Invest in your man.
Men do dope things when they have someone to believe in them.

Hey I'm bringing velour track suits back everyone

Another day, another bad joke gone horribly wrong

I've Retweeted her last 100 tweets in a row

That restraining order said nothing about twitter

It's okay to walk away from drama caused by grown ass adults

Waking up isn't the issue.
It's the everything that follows the waking up.

employer: what are your weaknesses?
me: crab rangoons

The people you want to ask you about your day never do and the ones you don’t never STFU

There's no point me being here anymore. Goodnight.

shouldn't remember, yet cursed to not forget.

There should be group called OA (overthinkers annonomous) I'd be their spokesperson

A penny for your thoughts seems a tad pricey

Do moonshiner artists specialize in still lifes?

I bet they do.

It does free you up from retweeting shit when you don't give a single fuck anymore

Me: Maybe AI can do my job, but it will never be able to do it with my unique personality and sense of humor.

AI: Are you guys working hard, or hardly working? Whoa, I must have missed the memo about this being blue shirt day.

Me: Oh crap.

Can't.

Still writing down my payment confirmation number.

Wanna come inside? I’ll fix you a glass of Tang.

Me: Pizza helps
My therapist: No
Me: (moving a plate of hot pizza in circles under his nose) Are you suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure?