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I’m bored and horny. Borny.

Candy corn is every STD in the world melted down into the shape of a meth tooth.

I think a functioning member of society is a little much to describe me.

I'd rather stuff a hot needle in my dick hole than pick pizza toppings with a group of people.

copper hearts🤍💫

If I want to have sex with you, I’ll be direct and let you know by sending you a letter on my personalized stationary.

Punch me in the nuts all you want, it’ll just make me cum harder.

Is it bad if your therapist won't look you in the eye and just keeps saying 'wow' like owen wilson

In NJ “fucker” is used as a term of endearment

Today is really heavy.

I love trying new things, but never enough to do them properly.

Competitive ball sac sitting, men over 40 only.

Sen. Markwayne Mullin (R-OK) challenges Teamsters leader Sean O’Brien to a physical fight, standing up midway through a Senate HELP Committee hearing.

Chair Bernie Sanders (I-VT) repeatedly attempts to break them up: “You’re a United States senator.”

I can't afford to fly so I gotta put my phone on city bus mode.

There’s no “borrowing” among friends. If my pal needs a few bucks to see him through the end of the month, I simply end the friendship.

Adding the word even to any question adds an extra little verbal pinch to the listener. What are you talking about? What are you even talking about?

Because I was brought up well mannered, I only ever wear the shallowest of top hats to the cinema.