He always said to enjoy the process. I’m trying, but this really hurts. I’ll miss and love you forever, Dad. ❤️

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. It shows up on our radar but we are unable to identify it at this time.
-Anomaly Dickinson

I am simply no longer the person I was three tweets ago.

Let me guess....you didn't sleep well.

[extreme elton john voice]

Wicked Game 🎥

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I'm so glad you brought this up. Foster care is--
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

I’m writing a fantasy fiction novel about a mom that has a cold and her family does things for themselves while she rests.

What’s new with me? Well, I’ve been getting really into yelling.

a tumbleweed with roots✨

It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA

I am loved and shit.

DOG: I think that job interview went well!
*looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a