My mom just told me she bought the most beautiful dress at Von Murder 😂

My New Year’s resolution is to find the strength to close all my browser tabs.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

Inside me are two wolves

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

Some days you just gotta do a few sweet kung fu moves and carry on

The thruway sign just read, “Safety is snow joke, drive slow” and I laughed, but I feel like I failed.

me: What do you want to be?

10: I want to be an art teacher in high school or elementary but I don’t want to be a middle school art teacher because I don’t want to see people going through puberty

The Los Angeles Dodgers have signed Shohei Ohtani to a 10 year/700 million dollar contract.

Last week I photocopied a $1 Burger King coupon.

all the Canadian hatred toward Heyman for telling the truth 💀

It still blows my mind that Shohei Ohtani exists yet nobody in the NFL can be both the Kicker & the Punter.

I assumed something called ‘Help desk’ actually helps. “My bad” as the kids say.

Cat literally said “hello” to the delivery driver.. 😅

Today I watched an ad for a Tetris clone game that stopped right before a straight bar would wipe four rows. That's some mental torture I was not prepared for.

Henry Kissmyassinger’s death was the best present Santa could bring.

Anthony Bourdain smiling down from heaven right now

my brother mentioned something about switching sides and then my dad said he liked miami this year like it was nothing, so I set his truck on fire

thank
you for
being
the
reason
i smile.

Save a turkey, stuff a short girl