Ever since I found out that the straw is the cup’s penis, I can’t help but use 2 sometimes 3 at a time.

I don’t say, “I spilled my soup.” I say, “I made the floor yummy.”

I woke up on a boat lolololol

Shark week every year: Them: Check out these fucking sharks! Us: fuuuuck

Forgot to tweet this morning and 3 gals and 1 guy have DMd me on insta requesting their daily me tweet

Las Vegas is for people who are not fun who need to be told how to have fun by paying a lot of money to do things that are not fun

2022 country music all sounds like 2002 Crazy Town music

I’m gonna do some tweets again if anyone is interested

I agree to do my civic duty in exchange for living in a society wherein: -I am protected from Russians -I am allowed to lie -I have to pay extra money for food that the govt hasn’t put chemicals in

*cicada sounds*

A clean sock is the perfect way to carry several apples on the go

Thanks to all the incredible performers who got devoured alive by the Hellmouth this week and throughout the whole run! The Hellmouth is shut for now but IT WILL CHOMP AGAIN!😊👹😈🩸🤪🥰💀!

We are incredibly excited to announce that The Guitar Thief will screen at this year's Urbanworld Film Festival with this incredible slate of films! variety.com/2022/film/fest…

Cleaning up at iO. Examining each prop left behind as if it's an artifact from a lost culture and then whipping it in the dumpster.

#2022DrinkMinimum continues on with first time guest Mike Geraghty ( MIKE GERAGHTY )!!! We drink bottles of rosé, play some games, and try some Recovering Bro products. Give a listen!

Click thru to see why I’m considering coming back to twitter

I will be tweeting sometime, maybe next year