Me: 'today I will feel good about myself!'

My brain:

My junk drawer is like a museum of things I thought I'd need someday.

Today’s cardio was trying to wave down the server for another drink before happy hour ends

The bigger the chain, the worse the pizza will be.

life would be so much cooler if scary movie music played right before shit goes down

*boomer* she whispers to herself as she looks up a word on urban dictionary

As excited as I am about a new lanyard, it's truly amazing I've ever had sex.

Stress level: breaking out my box of emergency Little Debbie Zebra Cakes.

Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.

“Your parcel is out for delivery.”

We’re past the struggle bus now. We’re talking the struggle Uber, the struggle airline and the overall struggle to put up with the world’s crap.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but they faked little house on the Prairie

I was joking when I said “poopoo platter” instead of stool sample, but I think I just fumbled my doctor.

ME: Sleep with one eye open

JAMES HETFIELD: gripping your pillow tight

ME: *scribbling out 'you're a dolphin now’* Yeah, that’s probably better.

My dog’s toxic trait is that he continues walking until he can get a neighboring dog to bark and then he is finished, fully satisfied with himself.

I'm not liking this slow grind apocalypse. Just rip the bandaid off and attack us aliens

The difference between acquaintances and friends is that I have aquaintances.

I’m not saying I’m attractive, but when I take my clothes off in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on.

Breaking Bad (2009)

I tried that but I wasn't even sure that's how you spell it.

The sexiest thing a toaster can do is have four slots.