Me: Hey, come on in! Make yourselves at home! Can I get you guys anything? My friends:

I had a dream where there was a food called “King’s Hand”, a hollow hand made of m&m cookie, filled with Greek salad. I could not stop thinking about it. Here is the culmination of a week long effort.

Now that I can't be angry at the Bills, I'm only tweeting jokes that people briefly liked in 1992: "I got Taco Bell for dinner... Can you say SALTY???" "A value meal cost me $6.89... YOU DO THE MATH!"

Buffalo loves to shit on national pizza chains, but they fail to mention that 4/5 local pizzas are garbage. If I have to choose between Domino's and Uncle Mario's in Depew or whatever, the quality difference is usually negligible.

Thinking about when NPR asked Sufjan Stevens to write a song about a rare bird sighting

Therapist: You have made reference, on a few occasions, of “going goblin mode” on your “thingy”. Could you explain to me what you mean by that? Me (Tearing up): No,

Upstairs neighbor girls 3 day bender a ha ha yasss bitchhhh party music (dua lipa or some shit) suddenly cuts off replaced by Alice In Chains would? Playing at 140 decibels as I pop though their floor my ceiling with a depth charge strapped to my head.

it has begun

on my way to the fridge for a fifth beer

Someone posted this pic of a black bear in a local FB group and I’m dying

(Cognitive behavioral therapy enjoyer I just cut off in traffic) Think positively. He is probably in a rush for a reason. Maybe he’s late for a job interview. Maybe his wife is giving birth Me: I’m da king of da highway

In honor of Marvel Studios’ #GotGVol3 we’re giving away this never opened Microsoft Zune. We have no idea if it works. Like and RT for a chance to win! US 18+. Ends 5/17/23. Rules: msft.it/6002gX0tC. #ZuneSweepstakes

Why is Kevin Harlan talking like that and can someone ask him to stop?

It's officially Fan Appreciation Day and Stotter gave us one of his bats to give to one of YOU! 🫶 RT to win // atmlb.com/3Zs4KSk

*crests a hill* hey dudes

to everybody who at some point in 2015 thought they weren't strong enough to make it through: oh yes you were