she’s got Betty Crocker eyes

It's not easy to find someone who is stable and mature, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

I don’t hold grudges, I just remember everything forever like a spiteful little historian.

Sorry I’m late. I opened a new cling wrap and was looking for the start of the roll.

I hear ya, Brenda…if I had a nickel for every time I lost the scotch tape while wrapping gifts my wife wouldn’t have left me for that carnie in New Mexico.

Merry Christmas from everyone at the Tower of London🎄

Me: *Types Merry Christmas a dozen times in a row* My autocorrect: Marry

¡Feliz Navidad! 🌟

First year my kids didn’t wake up at the crack of dawn to open presents. End of an era.

When you’re in 4th grade and jealous you didn’t win the free personal pizza from the summer reading challenge

Apparently winter break with teenagers means going to the grocery store every other day. Send help.

The person who named the fireplace was just fucken sick of naming things

You can’t scare me, you’re not my 8yo nephew who just said, “I wasn’t even going to try to break a window.”

It's rewarding when you retweet someone and they respond by retweeting 45 of your retweets instead of yours! 👀

Pickles are fantastic until you’re in one.

If anyone needs a life coach, my 6yo niece just reminded me that “the best part of the party is the eating.”

Charcuterie board but it's all varieties of Pringles.

Oh hi, I’m a mom of teenagers… you might know me from such hits as “turn your games down so I can sleep” and “please get home safe before midnight.”

Just found an unused $50 Amazon gift card from a soccer team I coached 8 years ago. Happy New Year!

I am so going to be Dustin’s mom on graduation day