I agree with Mr. CEO. When has a poor kid getting their hands on a cheap guitar ever changed music?

As a woman, I just want the same rights as a rattlesnake.

[approaching the bridge troll who asks me to answer his riddles three] I don't have time for your shit, Bob

Oh really, your baby's 'strong for his age.' Bring him to the dojo

Peeing with my boy Scott

Trash talk in Ancient Rome

3pm? sorry that’s my time to be the most tired I’ve ever been in my life everyday

Smoking that shit that makes you think you're the walrus

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

I'm in a group chat with a mail carrier and he shared this letter

Rear Window is such a great film. My neighbour across the street watches it all the time.

The only 420 I really remember was the Columbine massacre.....and that really ruined everyone's high. Bad day.

You’re laughing? The richest man in the world runs into a wall painted to look like a tunnel and you’re laughing

I can’t deal with WWIII right now I have to plan a funeral for our hamster

ＭＹ ＰＵＳＳＹＩＮ ＢＩＯ bots are like the house spiders of this app to me now. Existing alongside. Not bothering me. If they catch a man’s credit card info, well then that’s just their nature.

I wish Norm Macdonald was alive for this

Hey I’m a little embarrassed but I use Patreon as a tip jar to help make ends meet so if you feel generous it would mean the world to me to have your support. This has been a lifeline, thank you!! patreon.com/amy_a

Don't tell me how to lift my baby