So this nfl kicker decided to take the day away from everyone else, specifically the women, and make it all about him, his marriage, and his myopic beliefs.

Yep, a real winner that one

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can'tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I'm going to need a new job.

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

I'm all nervous, no system.

don’t forget to call your mom today but wait a little while because she was still in the shower when i left

'Night shift again, Harry?'
'Someone has to patrol the streets.'
'Get you something to eat?'
'How's the tuna today?'
'Edible.'
'I'll have a sandwich then, Doreen.'
'You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.'

i hope everyone who saw the northern lights knows i personally hate you and that it should’ve been me

Who wants to cook inside of a Versace shirt

I don't need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It's earth.

To everyone saying “why aren’t they looking behind them” or “why is the tornado on fire,” this film is NOT FOR YOU!!

morpheus: will you take the red pill or blue pill?

me: dry?

morpheus: wh- i uh [patting his pockets] might have some water

me: what about a gummy

Healthy brain worms don't just drop dead from eating brains. Something is amiss here

Sam being able to carry Frodo and not be effected by the ring means the ring doesn’t understand transitive properties so they could have just taped the ring to a mouse and then carried the mouse with no ill effects. Whole thing would have taken 20 minutes.

everybody say fuck you johnny depp for opening this door

that’s one fucked up divorce

i'm no stephen hawking but i think what happens is that they cancel each other out

me: *opens car door*
wife: where are you going?
me: my country needs me

i think someone might want to check in on the laffy taffy guy

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“