Dave Warmier

Twitter used to be something

this extra sucks for the woman in the pic because due to the apple on her head no doctor will come close enough to help her

People are like “go out and touch grass” and now my dick is all green

it’s only 6:00 here and I thought it was like 11:00 I just gained 5 bonus hours of life

The existence of humanity has been a net negative for the collective intelligence of humanity.

Dang thats deep. If only there was a movie that explored this concept!

People are like the baby has your eyes I’ve never been able to recognize a baby having it’s parents eyes, besides that this isn’t even my baby, I kidnapped it

This may be none of my business but your privacy offends me

*Famous person is revealed to have engaged in horrible behavior.* Everyone: Well, you know who NEVER let us down? The person who will soon be revealed to have actually let us down in ways we can't yet imagine!

Vampire Randy Jackson's like, "Gonna be a Nosferatu from me, dawg."

Me whenever someone posits that people are basically good.

The Substance (2024)

All of his executive orders should open with this sentence.

Some nice doubt you got there. Be a shame if someone were to be given the benefit of it.

I won the muscle loss competition, but all I got was a trophy.

Half of Memento

When we created our series "Clean Slate" we had one goal, to defeat Dana Carvey's 1994 movie 'Clean Slate' on Rotten Tomatoes. Barring a sudden, very delayed influx of love for the feature, WE DID THAT SHIT!