me: oh cool this concert is only $25

ticketmaster: bitch you thought

me: dating is hard

me on a date: pls tell me you know ratatouille isn’t the name of the rat

Eventually, the trash takes itself out.

Except this morning. I had to roll it to the curb this morning.

Forgot my glasses so I'm pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

spring is great until you wake up sneezing and start sweating the second you step outside after noon

me: dating is hard

me on a date: there was a dog in your dating profile pic why are they not here

Ice cream out of a mini baseball helmet is my favorite food group.

“I'm worth it' I whisper as I take a multivitamin for the first time in weeks

One of the biggest challenges in the workplace is trying not to eat your lunch before 10 am

being more eco friendly by replacing plastic straws with these

stop calling them boneless wings ok they are chicken nuggets.

often, the strongest people in the morning are the people who cried all night

Can't. Having an argument in my head

The biggest lie 90s dudes told was that there was something in that wallet that made it worth chaining up

when a guy says he doesn’t like girls who have tattoos I assume he means because he knows she’s at least 18

A dry wedding is just like a regular wedding but with no reason to be there

Do I like hockey or do I just like public booing?

Tough to tell.

Me at 1pm: I have so much self control, this diet is gonna be easy

Me at 1am: crap, I ate all the candy again