Romance your TC with words that rhyme with snookums, and bonerpalooza.

Spilled hot tea all over my left thigh today. I hope this isn't an omen for how the day will be.

Feng shui guru: I've never felt such a strong force of negativity in a home.

Me: My mother-in-law is staying with us this week.

Dude's with 3 inch penises on here be like 'I'm gonna tear that pussy up like cheap Amazon cardboard'

Not gonna lie, I put my hand in my pocket and felt a little cocky. 😬

Happy #Caturday 😹

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

I get more spam than a wartime school kitchen.

The sexual tension between my clothes and this heat. 🤏🏼

Men, if you are bald it's because you are buying the 'annual' hair seeds and not the 'perennials'

Honey I Shrunk the Clits

Assert dominance by making clear what becomes of your enemies.

Heading to my daughter’s place of employment to bring her pads.

*Man card level up

When I started high school there was an older girl named Cera on my bus who always had a camel toe when she wore jeans.

*me thinking about why I am the way I am.

My brain doesn’t know how to handle being happy after a playoff series.

you watch netflix i watch dreamflix to sleep, we are not the same

I just let out a woot and did the raise the roof gesture.

Don't @ me. I'm not happy about this either.

Do you think the minister that banned dancing in Footloose was just bitter cause he couldn't dance and his friends left him behind?

Still my favorite television listing of all time: