ing

Me: Imagine if every tear was an egg and every time you started crying there was 10-50 broken eggs on you. You leave a funeral and it’s like “crunch crunch crunch” (if the person was beloved).

Genie: That's your wish?

Me: No, we're just talking. Just being Friends right now.

Therapist: you've finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

[Stargazing]
Me: Crazy that in 1969 they landed on the moon

Date: I think it's fake

Me: You're joking

Date: I'm serious

Me *points up* it's literally right there

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who's gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I'm gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I'm gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I'll go first

When the moon hits your knees
And you mispronounce trees
Sycamore

ME: I know you from somewhere

JESUS: I get that a lot

ME: No I’m sure

JESUS: Just one of those faces

ME: [holding my arms out] Go like this

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes...

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

░N░U░D░E░S░ ░I░N░ ░B░A░Y░E░U░X░

'But I don't want to, Dad!'
'Tough'
'The people are horrible'
'You're still going'

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I'm back

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
'Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?'

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

Date: got any music?

Me *fiddles with the radio*

Date: omg

Me *lowers fiddle* what

Me: ok that's everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you're not gonna believe this

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin' on karaoke, I will sing both parts

Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can't you call me something cool, like 'Kin'?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: 'ANI' IS FINE

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

Me: The man broke into my house while I was watching Shawshank Redemption

Cop: Tell me everything that happened

[Later]
Cop *tearing up* they met on the beach?

Me: The bullies at school stole my lunch again

Dad: Maybe you shouldn't be a teacher

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What's updog?

ME: *looks at camera*