My wife recently entered the UK Saggiest Boobs contest.
She only went and won it.
She wiped the floor!
#lunchpun

NEWS!. Scientists have now discovered that people will believe almost anything as long as a sentence begins 'Scientists have now discovered that...'

I've bought some summer footwear made from amphibian skin.
They're open toad sandals.
#tuesdaytitters

Sad news about the painter and decorator who died of hyperthermia whilst trekking in Antarctica.
Post Mortem results have shown that he could have done with a second coat.
#mondaymirth

I wonder if gingerbread men ever think about their lives and say to themselves
'I'm not cut out for this!'
#lunchpun

I was once inMcDonald's and ordered a McChicken sandwich and an Egg McMuffin just to see which came Mcfirst!
#LunchPun

A woman once agreed to go out with me after I bought her a Gin & Tonic.
You could say I Schwepped her off her feet.
#LunchPun

Instant coffee nowadays for me.
I used to make the fresh stuff, but as I've gotten older, I find it too much of a grind.
#sillysaturday

I've had one of those air friers for a while now and I've gotten really good at cooking chicken recipes.
I've been promoted to Wing Commander.
#Badjokefriday

I'm starting a new job on Monday, making chess pieces.
My first week is on knights.
#WednesdayWit

Bass to the Future
#SeaLifeInMoviesOrSongs

The Lambshank Redemption
#FilmsToDigest

Asked by my boss, where do I see myself in a year's time.
I answered honestly.
A better optician.
#badjokefriday

I was at the Dr's this morning..
He said. 'It looks like you've been putting on weight, have you been comfort eating?'
Well I have had a lot on my plate recently!
#LunchPun

Solar Eclipse UK. Magnificent,👍

Bonn on the 4th of July
#TeutonicTitles

I've never understood the reasoning behind fire blankets.
Surely, a fire is warm enough without one.
#sillySaturday

I once tried making a souffle out of pieces of pork but I couldn't get the mixture to whisk correctly, so I used the rest for steaks.
If you can't beat em loin em!
#LunchPun

What I admire so very much about smoke alarms!.
It's just a piece of burnt toast, but if the alarm goes off in the kitchen, the rest will join in.
They work as a team!.
Alarm for one, one for Alarm!

Yesterday I accidentally locked myself in a glass cabinet in the museum. I made a right exhibition of myself!
#lunchpun