When I see someone post “this is the most embarrassing country in the world” and the video isn’t loading I just assume it’s going to be footage of me doing something wrong at the grocery store

“Comparison is the thief of joy” What if I never had joy to begin with? Unlike everyone else…

You should only sit in the emergency exit row of an airplane if you’re confident in evaluating who should live and who should die.

“It’s done.” *destroys phone*

Taking a photo like this outside the bar after striking out all night

I’m present and living in the moment exclusively online

My whole life has been an uphill battle

Eilish Car Bomb

I like the Wendy’s commercials where all the employees are dumb as rocks and love working there

Cooper DeJean woulda went in the 1st round if he put his name down as DeJean Cooper

Taller Jack who has no idea where he is but is somehow 10x more confident

Let me guess. you do plastic surgery on yourself

The gym employees introduce me as “Mr. Two Towels” to all prospective members before explaining that “non-freaks” usually just take one and nicknames around here are only earned through repeat, problematic behavior. I’m just happy to be the appetizer before they meet Dr. Racist.

First round is on me

talking to non-comic friends about comedy is interesting ‘cause they’ll mention a comic who’s been selling out stadiums for 3 years and be like “have you heard of them? He’s this new up-and-coming guy”

This really isn’t new. There was a pretty similar response across college campuses when I was performing improv on them

I’m developing a video game that could change the way we think about entertainment (super mario sunshine except Mario is addicted to Percocet and his hat is blue)

Daily affirmation people are out to get you and want you to suffer

have you made your landlord smile today?

Ever since OJ died things have been going off the rails