Dreams won't chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

Why is it we don't hear about quicksand anymore??

“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”

My dog:

One dog band

If I had to choose between Tic Toc and Facebook, I'd probably choose vodka.

It's truly unbelievable, the hate that people spew, when you are only trying to point out a more peaceful option.

Some kids need to be sent home from school w/ a bottle of wine & a note from the teacher that says 'I feel sorry for you. You'll need this.'

You can tell a lot about a person by the voice they use when they're mocking you.

Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

[Toy Store]

Customer: I’m looking for a toy that will help my baby learn to count but will also haunt him for the rest of his life.

Me: I got you.

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

I’m not saying I’m more of man than you, but the force of my urine stream lifted me off the ground.

Someone in Lakewood dons a unicorn costume while snow blowing and this is the kind of community I want.

Finally: my time to shine!

Oatmeal raisin are the red headed stepchild of cookies.

What kinda guy am I? The kind that'll sneak up behind you while you're doing the dishes, pull you close, whisper how much I love you in your ear while giving soft kisses on the back of your neck. Chicks, dig it, but Frank at the Red lobster on Wayne Ave is not a fan

This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 3 years and requests to be caught up to speed on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday

the guy at the pet shop warned me not to get him wet

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.