I’m in a really good place spiritually so please fuck off. Namaste

Welcome to twitter! Some mentally ill person with pronouns in their bio will be by to yell at you shortly.

I don’t miss anything social because you’re all horrible.

I can’t wait to strut my stuff on the beach like the sexy exploded can of biscuits that I am.

My entire home state is on fire

That turtle you saved from the middle of the road still tells his grandkids about the fleshy squid bird that scooped him up and flew him to safety. No one believes him, of course, but you’re real.

When I meet people with small kids I pretend to have a heroin problem so they'll never ask me to babysit

No one got my tweet. A memoir

Every night before I fall asleep I phone Australia to see what kinda day tomorrow is being.

I don't know that penguins are real, but here's what I think we should do about the economy.

I would roast my landlord on here but I know he can’t read

"They found the coats on Thursday morning. Fifteen winter coats. Good ones, not garbage. Hanging on the chain-link fence outside Lincoln Elementary. No note. No explanation. Just coats, zipped up like ghosts waiting for bodies. Principal Morris freaked out. Called the police.

If I wait long enough, she'll just do it. -men