toddler: can I play with bubbles? me: no, last time you spilled it toddler: I'm not gonna spill it Narrator: the toddler spilled all of it instantly, again

Some people are motivated to get up in the morning to exercise and be productive and some of us are motivated by breakfast and second breakfast.

Wheel of Fortune: Person who is very sensitive about wearing glasses: “I’d like to buy an ‘I,’ Pat.” Pat Sajak: “Four I’s.” Person: *bursts into tears*

Kid me: I don’t know why the Grinch is so angry? Adult me: Oh.

I’m not judging you for still having your Halloween pumpkins out but Santa probably is.

My favorite holiday tradition is procrastinating.

If you feel like you can’t breathe and you start to panic, it’s your jeans. Trust me.

No one is more surprised by a present than a dad seeing what his kids unwrap on Christmas morning.

He drinks a whisky drink He drinks a vodka drink He drinks a wodka drink He drinks a wadka drink He drinks a watkar drink He drinks a water drink ‘Cause he’s driving

We’re all fighting crowds in stores and ordering truckloads of crap online and wrapping until 1 am to keep this Santa shit alive, and the people who invented it in the 1800s were just like, “Here is a single nutcracker to use as a doll, have fun”

No matter how stressed you feel right now just remember that someone somewhere is just starting their Christmas shopping.

Me: Did you find the box? Husband: No Me: Did you look in the closet? Husband: Yes Me: (looks in same closet) Did you have you fucking eyes closed? Repeat everyday for infinity = Married Life

*airport drinking fountain is broken* 10yo: More like h2NO right, dad? Me: *beaming with pride*

Person: My Christmas decorations were put away on Christmas Day. Me: Cool. I finished all the Christmas cookies on Christmas day.

"New year, new me” she said, while changing out of her daytime pajama pants and into her nighttime pajama pants.

The audiobook I’m listening to is a drawn out, convoluted tale of woman who works at the YMCA in a Midwestern town and her children who move in across the street from someone I went to elementary school with. (It’s a voicemail from my mom).

The best advice you can give new parents is to learn the difference between “your kids are probably burning the house down” quiet and “the kids are playing nicely so don’t move a muscle or they will start fighting and need stuff from you” quiet.

When I die I'm coming back to haunt all the people who don't put their grocery carts back.

My 8yo told me her New Year’s resolution is not to step on anthills if anyone needs a lesson in realistic goal-setting.