Sure, you laugh, but they'll be selling Squeaky Tank dog toys on the West Lawn in a week.

I mean, if Mr. Sink Piss (or is it Dr.?) can't get a date, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Omigod

Doing the Lord’s work when you see ICE 📢

When I was a teenager I was super depressed and my best friend told me if I ever killed myself he would play American Badass by Kid Rock at my funeral and tell everyone it was my favorite song and it’s kept me alive until this day.

June 23, 4PM: I've negotiated the greatest ceasefire anyone in the world has ever seen June 24, 7AM: These fucking fuckfaces won't stop bombing each other

strangling assassins with a phone cord

I'm a 58-year-old retired roofer from Zanesville, OH who has no relationship with his children and has been banned from 4 separate Chili's locations for berating staff, and I have deep concerns about the Democratic candidate for mayor of New York City, a place I have never been.

You can’t hurt my feelings, I used to bring my dad the wrong tools

And here I was, absolutely certain that Rudy could not POSSIBLY be humiliated any further. At least dogs get fed.

Called it.

La Reina...

I should call her...

Hell yes.

Social media ad consultants, meet your GOAT.

I wish literally anything in my life would afford me a fraction of the happiness as that fucking dog playing in a fountain...

This is a Hubble telescope image of the farthest reaches of the universe. It's not even anywhere close to the spot where the "My conscience wouldn't allow me to vote for either 2024 candidate" folks can fuck all the way off to.

Turn your airbag into a bedazzled claymore! Follow me for more tips on giving trauma nurses more horror stories.

Proof that even wild cats are cats