thinking about the tupac hologram. like how much money do you think they paid snoop dogg to pretend to dance with his dead best friend?

my biggest fear used to be dying alone, but then I realized that i might die with exactly one clown present.

I'm a huge fan of this dude who just complained about how hard it is to pronounce Bde Maka Ska while he was wearing a Ski U Mah t-shirt

adjacent google tabs I have open while trying to write a new joke: “1950s malt shop pictures” “synonyms for genocide”

i’m so sick of lies on dating apps. this one girl said she was really into dad bods, but then she almost threw up when I showed her the ones I have in my crawlspace

I like breaking open tide pods and drizzling them onto my tacos i’ve got that thing where soap tastes just like cilantro

cosmic bowling owes its existence to the fact that bowling is so boring that simply dimming the lights can be the most exciting part retweet me you cowards

I always say “and this is where the magic happens” when I show someone my bedroom because my roommates said I can’t do magic tricks in the living room anymore

dudes are like “women who love horses are crazy” but no real crazy is this one girl I dated who kept going out of her way to be mean to horses