Pee after sex or you’ll get a UTI (Universal Technical Institute, Your Success Starts Here)

was talking a friend through a catastrophizing episode where he was like “I have no evidence that I’ll ever be capable of anything” and I said “well if you look at a 1yo there’s no evidence they will ever walk or talk”. All growth is about doing tomorrow what you can’t do today

I regret to inform you that Blue Prince is

Boss of a small regional office decided that he liked the idea of everyone staying an extra 10 mins after their shifts to fill in an online form listing five things they did that day. He changed his mind very quickly after just one email from Unite the Union. Join a union.

BRO KEN

Recently viewed a house. Lovely place, nothing wrong with it at all but had to convince the wife out of buying it. Why? Because it's number 9. Thanks Reece Shearsmith / Steve Pemberton.

Not my fess

The local zoo was closing down so on the final day I smuggled in treats for the capybara. What were they going to to, ban me? Note I did first research what was actually safe to feed it, and had good reason to believe that particular one wasn't on a special diet.

Drunk and walking by Moorfields eye hospital late at night. Decide to empathise with the blind and follow the tactile line on pavement towards the tube. Shut my eyes and tried to feel the line with my feet. After 5 seconds I split my head open on lamppost.

Funky Pigeon but to the tune of 'ooh baby baby' from the Push It intro

Wrestlers will cut their forehead to draw blood in their matches. As a try hard teenager I tried this, failed and ended up with a mess of a forehead. Had to lie and pretend I was mugged which accidentally started a minor police operation.

I bought some CR2032 batteries and noticed that they now have a pattern of coloured dots on one side. Google revealed that the dots are ink, dissolve in saliva, and provide a visual warning that someone has swallowed a battery. So I licked one. My tongue was blue for two days.

Funny that everyone online knows this meme and that this is the story behind it

Got an email from Google that my storage space was 91% full and I should buy more for £5 a month. Spent the last week deleting 10 years of emails, files & attachments. I've now got tennis elbow, my right thumb is agony but down to 7% storage space used - I have defeated Google

Unexpectedly poetic

London is the best city in the world. But in the 100 years since it first entertained extending the Bakerloo line, it hasn't been able to get it built. It is the richest city in Europe, but goes with a begging bowl for investment to Whitehall. Why?

I see Mick Hucknall has branched out. Money must be too tight to mention.

The Pootie Shoe Rebrand episode of Mythic Quest by Elisha Henig is so bloody good

JT: math | lu i am saving this @ for u improvised the bit about handing some cash to the homeless veteran. He knows Sherlock’s got a heart in there somewhere.