our gift to you today is our fav tweet of 2020

say your prayers weezer

call me precum the way i’m dripping 🥶

Enter to win up to $50,000+ in prizes from Natural Selection Tour - the more people enter, the more prizes get added. swee.ps/vDDVQR_DwphocR

Vet: your horse is lame. Me: *looks at horse through window* he looks fine? Vet: *cleaning his glasses* he's a fucking loser Dave.

******AMBER ALERT****** Amber if u're listening, I still love u. Pls give me another chance. I promise I'll stop calling u Grimace in bed.

When I grow up I wanna be born rich #isthishowyoutweet #wellfuck

DOCTAS SAY IM THE ILLEST CUZ I SUFFER FROM REALNESS Doctor: no Danny you have lymphoma, if you don't take this seriously you're going to die

me: i saw on fb you had a baby friend: ya me: how much does he bench friend: what me: [leans in to his ear] how much. does he fuckin bench

I glance deeplyat what has become my life, I look her in the eyes, and as I throw my Klondike bar wrapper away, whisper "goodbye old friend"

I was devastated when I found out Neil Armstrong wasn't the first man to walk on moon boots.

Girlfriend: [brushing her teeth] don't rush the brush! Me: never! [Brushing my armpit hair slowly while staring blankly at the wall]

The garden looks good so far but my wife left me because I didn't Google: What to expect when you're expecting tomatoes

my dream girl is smart, witty, attractive, and willing to ignore the autofill URL suggestions when she's using my laptop