Oh, the Phantom of the Opera music blasting and the loud sobbing? Yeah that’s just my downstairs neighbor Zach

The entire human race could be extinguished and I still wouldn’t be able to find parking at a fucking Whole Foods

I have come to find that “Known for great conversation” on Uber is equivalent to “is explicitly racist” or “should be institutionalized”

I’m so sorry for your loss. Please accept this bouquet of 14 live parrots as a gesture of my sympathy.

Mom: What’s the most important meal of the day? Me: *Rolling out of bed at 530PM* is it dunchfast? No, that doesn’t sound right.

#RunWithMaud

I need to stop going into conversations assuming that people know what Hamtaro is.

“Me? Listen to rap music? Fat Chance the Rapper”, I say, as I rise from the dad ashes and become a dad phoenix.

Hanging my ornament for the year! Hopefully he doesn’t.........fall. Fall Guys

Just finished watching 3 Days for the 20th year running, so that makes 60 days! Kristin Davis Reed Diamond

Every patient in every single hospital bed around the country is watching SVU. I have no data to back this up, but convince me otherwise

For Season 4, we're traveling to the future... 🤖 FALL GUYS 4041 🤖 Giveaway to celebrate: - Follow us and retweet this tweet - Finish this sentence in your own words as a reply: #FallGuysSeason4 is 20 winners will get 20 crowns each! 👀

What my attending means when she says “The Unit” vs what I mean when I say “The Unit”

NBME: You have 9 hours. Good luck deciphering the picture of a heart I drew on Microsoft paint. *Spits in my face* Me: Thank you for this generous opportunity #MedTwitter #step2

Turkey right now #Euro2020

UH DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THAT BIRK RUUD GOT 69s FROM EVERY JUDGE AFTER HIS FLAG JUMP??? #BigAir #OlympicGames

It honestly feels like no one else in the world is acknowledging this, so I’m just gonna say it…………. Nice. #Olympics2022 #OlympicGames #big

Money on Ophtho every time. Too much free time to work out. Dr. Glaucomflecken

#JPNESP #FIFAWorldCup