thte international space station is visible from earth at the following times: Nerd Time

[Deep South tobacco CEO voice] Now ah, this here ah, Bowsuh charactuh... enlighten me as to hhwhy Mistuh Mario's got such animus for the boy

Lunch! Let's see what mom packed. Hope it's not just a note that says I'm a punk ass buster. Ok it is that note again tomorrow is a new day.

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

This is somebody's job right now!!!!!!!!! #DemsInPhilly

Drinking all my parents alcohol on a Sunday. Your support and admiration are appreciated

The average human eats 8 spiders a year while sleeping. The average spider researcher watches this from a darkened corner and does nothing.

Weird part of The Truman Show is that he's married/has best friend. They're always in character

when the tweet only gets 10 favs

"...I would also like to take this opportunity on stage to announce my candidacy for President Bone"

Cant wait for those Stranger Things kid actors to start tweeting problematic shit. They've been on my hitlist all year. I see you, Barb

Scrolled through twitter too quick. Saw a brief glimpse of a picture of an actor I liked, and just assumed they were dead now because #2016

Attenborough has no respect for crabs. Always gives them ridiculous music. They are jesters to him

The tension is obviously palpable. Florida and Michigan friends keep texting me asking for updates #yukonvotes

I bought 3 days worth of chicken pot pie and beer, have a safe and joyous holiday season folks

The #1 cause of illness during the holidays is that kid who touches everybag going around the baggage carousel

I feel self-conscious about reading in public, so I always start the book about halfway through so people don't think I'm dumb