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🤣🤣🤣 He's probably already kidnapping young children from their homes for the spartan program. 😔😔😔

We're one wild squirrel sighting away from another world series.

I'm about the only person in Tennessee wearing a cowboy hat. Operation incognito local fail.

Fun fact: I was naked under a waterfall yesterday.

Waitresses in Tennessee = the most nicest, like, ever.

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." -Hunter S. Thomson or me at this wedding in Portland. I can't remember who originally said it.

Our train to Seattle was stopped by an active shooter in the #Renton area. Weirdest trip ever regarding travel hiccups. Uber time.

If John Goblikon sits on my lap, I'll get him whatever he wants for Christmas... as long it's booze or skin.

2019 day one: I remembered I did this tweet stuff last year and quit after a month.

Interesting article from a few years ago. Step one: release Robbie Goud Step two: REGRET IT nbcsports.com/chicago/chicag…

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#beardown

Writing tonight. This was once my world. Constant introspection and philosophizing, painting an empty screen with my life and, ultimately (perhaps ironically), escaping from it. It was therapy. For years I haven't needed the escape, but do i still need to write?

Also. Tweeting tonight. This was once a fun thing to do. But social media is a fucking total shit show now. And I am easily persuaded by myself to like, totally not even, like, almost always anymore.

Alita: Battle Angel 🤘🤘🤘🤘🤘 Faithful to the source material in a most excellent way #betterthanavatar #fucktheavatarsequels #alita2now

There was a whale 50 yards from shore. A drunk girl went into the water to get closer to it, was pulled into the under tow, almost died and lost her bottom. I'm not sure what was more entertaining.

Celebrating 3:16 day, fondly remembering the podcast in which Steve Austin regaled us with the tale about how he fell in the shower and got a loofah stuck all the way up his ass. #thekingofpop #punintended #loudestpops

It's nice to finally see myself accurately depicted on a card. Good job, Wizards of the Coast Magic: The Gathering

Word. My contributions to the platform in the last few years? Creepin'