We need to bring back the “I know you are but what am I?” insults.

Just out here tryin to be funny, making only myself laugh. One step closer to becoming viral!

There’s nothing like licking your dinner plate clean when you’re home alone. There, I said it.

ConEd: Conserve your energy for the impending heat wave! Turn off ACs!! Times Square: Lol nah chill, bro.

It’s not even called Twitter anymore?! What is this MADNESS!!

Why am I being targeted by all these “the third person in your share list” memes?? Like no, I will not go on an extravagant vacation with the random girl I met in a bar last week!

I’ve come to the shocking revelation that I can no longer relate to people who don’t drink coffee, and that’s a lot coming from someone who used to not drink coffee.

In order to get the classic “dad” sneakers, does one need to live in the burbs or do city dads also succumb to this? #pennyforyourthoughts

Remember when cameras had dates that would print on the photos? Was anyone else’s year or month ALWAYS wrong or is that just because I grew up in a Griswold-type family?

My dad is saying obnoxious things at the Alexa that he’s said a thousand times before because he thinks it’s funny. How’s your Thanksgiving going? #family

Does anyone else think the Netflix logo is scary in the dark or am I the only child here?

Is it weird that I touch a new stranger, or they touch me, daily while riding the NYC subway? In fact, how many strangers have I touched in my 11 and a half years here? 🤔 #mta

Not me yelling out, GUYS WAS THAT AN EARTHQUAKE?! to a group of 30 teenagers, like the adult teacher I am. #nycearthquake

Here’s Nike pulling another fast one #usmnt #nikesoccer #nikefootball #copaamerica #nationsleague #concacaf

Whenever I feel sad, I just read my Airbnb reviews and then I think wow, I’m a great person! #solotraveler

The most annoying thing about curly hair is it doesn’t look good right after washing and never does what you want it to do. But then magically will have an Oscar worthy moment.

Does Trump ever smile or is he just always constipated? #USA

Me in the early 90s: “Can I use the bathroom?” No one: Absolutely no one: Every single elementary school teacher: I don’t know CAN you?!

Ain’t nothing like New York City bus etiquette. I was at the bus stop second. Man allows me to get on first. I say but you were here first. We spend 30 seconds deciding who should get on first. #mta

Anyone else find it weird that @uber rates its passengers? Do you not want to pick me up? Do you NOT WANT MONEY?!