She didn't have to put it in the book,unless she was proud of it. There are ways to put down an animal humanely. She's a vicious person, end of story.

To what do I owe this pressure?

Recapture your youth. Carry your house key on string around your neck.

My startle response is at its peak.
Maximum eek, as it were.
Total Eek-all.

Ordinary schemes of things and the under the tables perseverance just being in your room. Chapter one awards the friends, the music, the books. Chapter two awards the distractions. Where was I. Chapter three is diverting traffic but let's not dirt road what we're alone about.

When a movie or show sets a story in a small town with a population of, for instance, 1,500 and then they show you a police station, high school, bowling alley, etc. much larger than any town that small could possibly have. The writers have never been to a small town.

Reopen the asylums

You wake up drunk behind the wheel in a school zone. There’s a gun in your hand. A cop at the window

If I had a time machine, I’d probably go back just six days ago when I when I bought a glue gun at Target that now I don’t need.

She’s a ten but told you she likes dynamite fishing

A guy called me old fashioned, to which I replied “you sir are a blunderbuss chatterbox; a chicken hearted, mop stick. A duke of limbs. A foppish fussbudgety gadabout. A ginger-snap grumbletonian. A nincompoopy scallywag stingbum.” And he will have to live with that abashment.

Actual Google searches by Americans today:

1. What is Cinco de Mayo in Spanish?
2. Where is Cinco de Mayo?
3. When is Cinco de Mayo in Portland?

Nice work, everyone. Keep drinking.

Today I snoozed. But guess what my friends, I did not lose. Nay. In fact I would argue that I won. I won, indeed.

Did the aquarium staff warn me? Yes. Did they warn me enough? My lawyer isn’t sure.

Like the Sword of Damocles only it’s the Water Heater of Basement

One time in your life you will open the jar no one else can open. It may be olives, it may be herring, but it's your jar moment.

Honest question for anyone who may have worked in the industry: is tech support intentionally designed to be miserable for the caller? The hold music, repeated recorded announcements, the repeated 'accidental' call drops - it feels like an electrified fence designed to zap you

Out of place and out of luck, like a receipt winning a lifetime off the grid. All the used to be categories now spectators in frames and that makes nothing far enough away. I confront myself. 'Why this old raffle ticket curse?' It was that or some bare ass poker energy, no strip.

Members of my book club, ranked
1. Jasmine
2. Brock
3. Bennett
4. ASHLEY

Yes, we know he looks like an animated devil doll brought to life with eldritch sorcery and blood sacrifice but, trust us, he speaks for Jesus.