Smoking cigarettes you’ve never heard of in front of Chinese restaurants you can’t pronounce

Had a girl tell me recently that The Smashing Pumpkins remind her of me every time they come on is there any world in which this isn’t a star-crossed admission of love?

Seeing what other people have liked on instagram is all fun and games until you see that little heart float up on the corner of a post that permanently shakes your perception of a loved one to its core

“Don’t get me wrong I do find you strikingly handsome but I’ve never felt less sexual tension with someone” thankful for just about everything but that

Chilly peppers

Do fat people naturally stay warm in the cold or is that a perk exclusive to the animal kingdom

BOOBZS

I live in perpetual fear of being a bad hang

Comptroller gotta be one of the more made up words out there

“We don’t have Coors on tap but I have cans” Trust me sweetheart I clocked em when I walked in the room. Miller is fine.

“He means well” is worse than any slur I’ve ever heard

Your girl shows up to my crib unannounced that’s my intrusive thot

Doing dry January (drinking too much and not eliciting sexual arousal from any women under any circumstance)

Your hours of operation never cease to amaze, gay little coffee shop

Fuck doohickeys, marry trinkets, kill gizmos

My heart aches for the day that I can hear those two numbers and not have every hair on the back of my neck stand at attention

Stop drinking cokes with the popes and come enjoy a diet cola with the ayatollah

Bouncer named Grant Entry

Landing the “Fits Like A” account must’ve been pretty huge for the glove community