I'm producing a rauchy new incest comedy called 'Siblings with Benifits'. The BBC have snapped up the rights and are planning to air it in the Doctor Who time slot, with Eddie Izzard and Suzzie Izzard in the lead roles.

I have programmed my children to automatically change gender when they hear spesific music cues, in order that I can Trans them on command at dinner parties, or any other event that can help build my social status.

Unlike most people, I don't dispose of my old genders. Instead I store them in a warehouse where I have now amassed Britain's largest gender collection. Five lucky followers will win a tour of this facility. Four will die in hilarious accidents. One will inherit the warehouse.

My mate Barry says Trump will reopen Alcatraz exclusively for Trans women, then he'll get a prison ship full of legacy women and sail it close, so that the Trans women will surge into the sea to try and reach them, and they'll all get sewage in their neovaginas. Is this true?

Transing your child is vital for their mental health. If they are not receptive to the usual methods, consider hiding under their bed and pretending you are a voice in their head telling them to do it.

Now that I'm a lady, I can't wait to do all the things that normal ladies do. I'm going to start off by filming myself aggressively dilating my neovagina on the floor of a public toilet whilst wearing my wife's underwear, and then posting it on Tik Tok.

Having a child and not transing it, is like giving money to charity and not boasting about it on the internet. Absolutely fucking pointless. Don't delay trans today.

Scheduling gender surgery for your preferred date can by tricky due to high demand. The only slot we could get is for next April, so we are now facing a race againtst time to conceive a child to use that appointment on.

If you are lazy and incompetent, don't do anything about it. Just rebrand yourself as laid back and easy going. I promise you this will work. There are entire countries who have been getting away with this for decades.

How long does a person need to inhabit a new gender before it becomes certain that they are Trans rather than just gender fluid ? I just want to check before I cut my dick off.

A polite request: When a courageous blue haired nonbinary person walks into a pub, please refrain from yelling: "Oi! Oi! The people from the internet are here" Thank you for your compliance.

Transing your entire family at the same time as converting them to Islam can be exhausting. I've read all the parenting books out there, and none of them tell you what your supposed to do when your husband's vagina falls off in the middle of morning prayers.

Ricky Gervais Will I be admitted to the theatre if I have attached forty neovaginas to myself to feel valid?

Liberal Democrats What about nonbinary dogs? You f*cking bigots. I feel so unsafe. Do better.