There’s a reason I buy two of the whipped creams. One for the cream, one for the whippit.

When I was 20, I ate foods other than Kraft macaroni and cheese.

Cheesecake is due for a renaissance.

They’ve changed the names and taken away all of the poetry of Girl Scout cookies.

I am your go-to-source for all Dorito oriented news. I hear about it first.

Human beings. We hiccup. We eat. We love. We fight. We fart. We dance.

Time has become so irrelevant.

The Betty Crocker cookbook sat on the shelf alongside the Bible and Encyclopaedia Britannica.

Puréed parsnips are a Grade A panty moistener.

Los Angeles, you can ski and surf in the same day. Just you’re an absolute douche if you do it.

Everybody’s invited to Satan’s gang bang.

I’ve been going to Ross about 3 times a week. Partially, because I like to see if they have cool discount Stance socks.

I am not an IT person, but I’ve been around enough to know that you do not fuck with them. IT guys are smart and IT guys are evil.

Kiss wanted to rock all night and party every day. I want to drink seltzer every morning and I legitimately cannot wait.

There’s nothing wrong with smoking weed and watching TV.

Some people are color blind. I’m popular-thing blind.

For a couple years there, I was using a lot less than 15% less deodorant.

I can not just beat Mike Tyson at Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! I can toy with that motherfucker.

Katy Perry’s career is a little bit past its sell-by date.

Put your pork where my mouth is.