Me: Are you wearing a shirt from yesterday? Lil Dude: No, it’s a new shirt. Me: Look at these stains! How are there already food stains? They are ground in! LD: Leave it be! Me: It’s not even 7 AM and you look homeless!! LD: I’m leaving now.

Insomnia, for those moments when silence can’t get any louder, and then it does.

F*ing A. It’s 7:43. PM. It’s 7:43 PM the night before the last school day before Christmas Break. Tomorrow should be hug a friend, gift a teacher, kiss a sweetheart. Instead, it’s 7 effing 45 PM and I learn there’s a TikTok school EFFING shooting challenge for tomorrow. WTF.

Being a blended family, with threats in schools across the country, I told my husband and my kid’s dad that I am an overreacting mom, and they were the deciding vote. Kid’s dad said Tiny would stay home. Hubby said Lil Dude could choose. He chose … to … go … to … school. 😭

There was a snake in my house. A snake. I will never sleep again.

#NewProfilePic

I’ve watched all the Christmas movies, so I started 911 Crisis Center and Night Watch on Hulu. Seems appropriate. Blood is red, after all. 🤣🤣🤣

Klaus was my favorite children’s Christmas movie, but then I saw A Boy Called Christmas. Special shout out to Professor McGonagall, who never turned into a cat … sadly. #Christmas2021

SO CLOSE TO CHRISTMAS!! SANTA!!!!

When I threaten the boys, they say, “Catch me.” Today I told Lil Dude that I would drag myself along the floor like something out of a horror movie to tickle the attitude out of him. Crippled momma don’t play.

Dude. Watching Nightwatch, and they keep saying opiate crisis, but the drug? HEROIN! It’s hard for people with chronic pain and illness to get pain meds because HEROIN is an opiate? Or at least lumped in? This calls for a Google search. Like how is heroin an opiate?

Lil Dude: I’m going to the bathroom, but I’ll let you know everything that happens. Me: Ew. Lil Dude: Okay, you ready? Me: What color was it? Was it a steady stream or a trickle? How long did it last? Seconds or minutes? Lil Dude: I can’t walk away fast enough for this. Winning.

Waiting at Hubby’s outpatient procedure, thinking about telling the guy across from me that if he lets me nap the first shift, I have his back for the second. We’re in this together. It’s the waiting room game. 🤣🤣🤣

New Year, New Me! Just kidding. I’m fairly certain I’ll remain overweight and continue to make bad decisions.

Welp, my dog ended the first day of the year by making my crippled butt fall. So, everything that usually hurts still hurts, but worse. At least he looks apologetic.

Doctor: Can you make 9:20? Me: Sure thing! *Waits in parking lot for an hour because the kiddos get dropped off by 7:45.*

I’m virtually tutoring my niece in early literacy and number concepts. She struggles with numbers, so I created my own flash cards. This is my attempt at our first addition flash card. I think I failed. 🤣🤣🤣

Lil Dude, playing with my hair before school: Your hair is so long and lush, but you need to brush it. Me: I woke up at 5:40, packed lunches, woke you up, and made you breakfast. You’re welcome. Lil Dude: I mean, your hair is so long and lush! I love it! Me: That’s better.

My twin just found out she has COVID, so I’m FTing her as she’s getting ready to quarantine away from her littles and hubby, and she shouts, “THE WHOLE DAMN HOUSE IS INFECTED! I’VE COUGHED EVERYWHERE! NOT ONE SURFACE IS SAFE!” Poor twin. 😭😭😭

I violated FB, got sent to jail, and am still cackling. It was #worthit. Long story short, my twin told us in response to her having COVID, she would only accept “don’t die” posts. I told her what I would do to her if she die, which is physically impossible. She can’t die twice.