Whenever I worry about the UK right wing press trying to drum up hate by attacking 'woke', I just need to watch Britain's Got Talent and I know that the heart of the British people is beautifully woke. #BGT

reese with her spoons: thread

I feel terrible about that time I got stuck in the mountains and had to eat my family, especially after the traffic cleared and I still made it home for dinner.

Jokes about schrodinger's cat are dead.

Unless you've not heard them before. But I won't know that, until I post them.

A reboot for ‘THE MAZE RUNNER’ is in the works.

Unfortunate circumstances have forced me to abandon my five year plan to live with the wild beavers.

Why clean, it will just get dirty again.

Don't love her, she'll just break your heart.

Why live, you'll soon be dead.

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye.

i like in movies when a guy goes, 'oh yeah? you and what army?' and then an army shows up and he's all like 'aw, nuts.' i like that.

If you're going to have a full existential meltdown online can you at least make it an amusing existential breakdown.

Man-tip: Be an emotionally unavailable asshole on the streets and an even more emotionally unavailable asshole between the sheets.

It's ridiculous to suggest I would ever marry a hotdog.

Clearly a hotdog is way out of my league 😭

Her: are you pleased to see me, or is that a banana in your pocket? 😂
Me: um... it's actually a hotdog.
Her: what?
Me *pulling bun out of my other pocket* you want mustard with it?

They say you don't truly understand something unless you can explain it to a child.

Though I'm not sure why explaining Nietzsche to my five year old nephew has become a debate about whether a shark could beat a gorilla in a fight.

(it absolutely can't!)

Call me a sad loser again and I'll uninvite you from my Golden Girls marathon.

Say what you like about the modern world, but it cannot be denied that we're living through a golden age of cheese

I've done the maths, and it seems I'm currently not a duck.

Man on the DLR: Are you prepared for today's meeting?
Woman: No.
Man: It's at 9am.
Woman: I know it's at 9am Dave. And I remain, unprepared.