Please don't use fear to manipulate me. Much more effective to use cake.

A lot of people don't realize the actor that played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.

I like to stay abreast.

“grey” is a better spelling than “gray” because e is a greyer letter than a. i will not elaborate

I was in charge of keeping order in the toddlers' ballpit until I had to retire from duty after somehow getting shot in the foot with my own service revolver.

My little daughter calls a trampoline a "jumpoline" and it's so cute I don't want to correct her

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

Earlier this week I considered being that guy and speaking to my son's school about some of the stuff he's being taught; namely the existence of feminist spiders. Glad I didn't, as long story short, he can't pronounce the word venomous properly.

I showed my husband a photo of Ed Kemper standing near regular height people (he's 6'9) and he goes "amazing, the whole world is just like a sea of Sabrina Carpenters to him"

Apparently the only time my step son is ever not staring at his phone is when I'm trying to call him.

I bet the first person to slice bread was hung as a heretic.

I used to pretend I had an imaginary friend until one day I realised I wasn't pretending anymore.

I feel sorry for guys who don't appreciate feminists. I bet they almost never see boobs.

Totally impressed with how good the human body is at converting heated animal flesh into thoughts about whether a particular cloud looks more like a clown or a boob.

Wife: I'm sorry I had sex with your best friend. Me: With Harrison? How could you!? Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently* Wife: No, your other best friend! Me: *looks accusingly at my PlayStation*

god what a perfect time of year to stay indoors and eat large quantities of cherries with a fervor that suggests I am suffering from some sort of severe vitamin deficiency

AT THE ATHENS AIRPORT Border Agent: What is your occupation? Me: I’m a philosopher BA (looking suspicious): Ok, then who’s the greatest Greek philosopher? Me (instantly): Aristotle BA (stamping my passport): Of course. Proceed

Can anyone help me find my birth parents? This is the only photo I have of them.

Asking for weirdos to refrain from replying online is like asking a kangaroo to do the Cha-cha Slide

Today I am mostly watching YouTube conspiracy theories about mammals that secretly rule the world. My favourite so far is the blue whale, those big, cunning bastards.