People who I see touching my Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle action figures will be made to 'Feel My Raph!' #LunchPun

I keep thinking I can see Chocolate Eclairs out the corner of my eye, just in my Profiterole Vision.

Dressing Gown with White Belt - Ready to kick back and relax. Dressing Gown with Black Belt - Ready to kick ass.

I've just been to the Cinema to see 'Tractor- The Movie'. They've just released the extended trailer.

I'm just signing up to a river swimming competition near Middlesbrough. I've dotted the i's but haven't yet crossed the Tees.

My sperm donor mate is often described as a Marmite type character. In so much as you ever love him or hate him and he comes in a jar.

Recently bought a Sheep pen, which is a lot more difficult to write with than I had anticipated. #LunchPun

Something to do with watching the Canadian Cutlery channel in 4k. You make it funny 😁

I thought things with my Wife were almost back on track until she bought me a One Way ticket to Paraguay for my Birthday. There's no coming back from this. Adults £10

Until he had his breakdown, Fred Astaire was actually called Fred Escalator.

My wife left me because I'm always quoting Metallica song titles. Sad but true.

My new job is quite taxing. I work for HMRC. #LunchPun

Ok then you lot. Serious question. What is the funniest word in the English language?

I've never seen the film Total Recall. At least I don't think I have.

My mate just told me that his favourite hobby is hiding in Tumble Dryers. I'm not quite sure how he got in to it.

10 Things not to do on an Electric fence: #1 will shock you

A group of Medieval minstrels broke in to my music shop last night and stole all the small guitars. I wish people would stop Luting.

A man came around to buy my limited edition Scrabble set earlier and said "What's the best you can do on it?" I said "Xylophone, triple word score".

My favourite German word is 'Klugerbsenzählerscheißer' which is a term for someone who believes that everything they read online is factually correct.

Saw 'The Queen' trending and feared something had happened to her.