Twitter, come for the jokes, stay and fight about it

Some days you’re the windshield. Some days you’re the bug. Today I’m the squeegee.

It’s me, hi, im the problem.

On todays adventure, boys and girls, we venture into the very depths of hell.. -Me picking up my kids from the ex-in-laws.

Damn girl! Is your mom single?

This dating app sucks!

Who’s up for riding bitch? It’s cold AF but worth it. Promise

I don’t need Halloween to dress slutty, eat too much candy, and terrorize the neighborhood kids.

There’s some dudes running around all excited on a field, but this was the real show

Have we tried turning Twitter off and on again?

You sure do make some people mad when you refer to the World Cup as “The Eurovision Of Sports”

Anyone know where I can get some of that holiday cheer everyone is talking about?

The older I get the more I appreciate being at home not doing a fucking thing

Who wants a ride?

This just in…. beer is good

Moab!!! #utahisrad

CHRISTMAS MORNING FUN: 1 Rent Lexus 2 Affix giant bow 3 Park in neighbors' driveway 4 Honk 5 Watch hugging 6 Extend middle finger 7 Slow reverse