Toad said, “I do not want anyone to see me in my bathing suit. I look funny in it.”

Gotta love that awkward moment where you feel the baby kicking except your husband's snipped and you're not pregnant and it's just gas.

A smart dad asks his wife and kids if they are hungry before making himself a snack. A wise dad makes twice as much even when they all say ‘no.’

due to personal reasons i will be running on iced coffee, dark humor and my unrelenting desire to stay alive sheerly out of spite.

Daily reminder:

Sundays are for silently sipping sweetness.

To the greatest fans in the galaxy... May the 4th be with you.

Happy May the 4th! I thought I'd share some of my #StarWars art - all drawn on 8"x12" paper, in 5B pencil only. Well, except the stormtroopers, which were drawn in white Crayola. Prints available via #Etsy on my pinned tweet. #MayThe4th be with you ☺️!

*breathes like Darth Vader after walking from the couch to the fridge*

I just had to survive 2.5 hours at home alone while my best buddy was at the groomers and now I'm spiraling about what I'll do when he's gone forever. He's 12 now. Here's his gorgeous face for all to admire. This is Thor.

6yr old: hey mom if you ever see a UFO, it's not an alien. It's just secrets from our government. Me: ok young Nick Miller, thank you for this information

I'll never understand the whole "women take too long to get ready" stereotype. Last time I hung out with my BFF I told her I was in Adam Sandler mode and was not changing and she matched accordingly. My husband just showered and took a straightener to his beard to go to the gym.

Technically I have coffee at home but I'm all out of all the yummy stuff to make it yummy therefore I have no coffee 😭

Can someone explain to me why my dog, who is not trained and is a terrible listener, all of a sudden responded immediately when I spoke in a fake Scottish accent... 🤣

As of yesterday, my best friends dad has passed away. This is no longer for help for her to care for him. Now it's for help with cremation costs. Please share. They need all the help they can get 🖤 gofund.me/f2aa40e1