anyone who waits to buy tickets at the door will have to sit in a sweaty man's lap

This simple gesture has inspired countless fights, divorces and murders. Human beings can be so irrational.

I'd buy a ticket but they're going to let me in for free

Just found out from a friend and can't stop crying... hasn't hit the news yet. The eclipse killed itself last night

If Elon musks dick pic leaked on here I would buy a blue check mark and reply to it calling it huge even if it was super small. I think that would get me a job

D&D age 14: I go to the pub and ask the wench to toucheth my wang Lol :)

D&D age 34: I go to the bar and kill myself in front of all the goblins, ruining their night off work from the factory

Flying on a Boeing today. Very sad. Didn't want it to be this way.

As my last act I hereby give permission to anyone to say they were close friends with me. You can also say I was mean but should acknowledge it was because of my demons

Everyone should have to teach their kid a trick that way when you have to meet them they can at least do something interesting

derek Keep us out of this you Chowderhead!

My colleague Moe Howard is an abuser.

I have been slapped, poked, spun, electrocuted and verbally assaulted by Moe. He has created an unsafe work environment during gigs in plumbing, food service, and searching for artifacts in Egypt.

Netflix's Three body problem surpasses the novels. Chills!

post-nut clarity? How about post-nut hilarity!

On our new podcast me and my six male cohosts will masturbate to completion before tackling this week's biggest news stories