More like Content Delivery Net-DOESNT-work, amirite?!

The root URL of your app should allow you to select the minified or unminified version so the user can choose between speed and verbosity.

Remove the 'skip intro' link on your homepage to save precious bytes across the wire.

Use the new ServiceWorkers to add a small amount of latency to each request. This shows users that the servers are "really working hard."

server { listen 443; rewrite ^ http://$server_name$request_uri?; } https take *so* *long*. Simply redirect it to http.

Set element.viscosity to below 0.5 for faster reflows.

Save expensive computations for when the user isn't engaging with application, like during a scroll or primary content load.

Jank early, jank often.

`gzip --best` is kind of subjective.

#permfatters

y do they call it SPDY

Enable SSLv3 exclusively on your app so you can still have a green lock, but browsers have an easier time reading the plain text.

Dear DMV, have you considered React?

Speed. Not even once.

Roses are slow. Violets are slow. Sorry this is a day late. 408 Request Timeout.

* { will-change: contents; }

Fast By Association™ Load iframes of fast websites into the body of your website, and people will associate your site with the fast ones.

Sure, animated gifs might be larger than video, but they're also more battery/cpu intensive and lower quality.

TTFJ Time To First Jank

Debounce? Pshh… Try our new jQuery plugin: DoubleDribble.js $.dbldrbl = function(fn, n){ return function() { while(n--){ fn() } } }