Movie description: A heartwarming… Me: Nope

Fighting the extremely strong urge to go in my parents’ kitchen and make myself some pasta (didn’t eat dinner, staying at their house through Christmas and got here at 9ish).

"we need a..." - no we don't shut up

10 for me, I never wear clothes in bed 😆

Remembering when my ex expressed to me that I was only allowed to be naked in my own home for sexy reasons, otherwise it was “bad naked.” I don’t particularly like the feeling of clothes on my skin, so when I’m home, I tend not to wear them. It’s crazy how free you can feel.

I was gonna follow you back but, yuck

If you saw someone stealing anything from a store, no you didn’t.

spread that gelatinous crab-thing on my face baby

let all that go for the moment. Let's talk monsters.

the author’s mother, who was actress

Judge: you’re here because you booped the cop on the nose Me: your honor, may I approach the bench? Judge covering his nose: absolutely not

i would take all mine off my house if creatures other than me would stay out

there isn’t any other option, im a bum

I don't know how to get more followers, this is as funny as I get

every time i have a date my double chin balloons up so bad. they’re gonna know i am evil :(

Watching episodes of Siskel and Ebert because I miss the olden days.

when i see dudes trying super hard to assert their masculinity i just assume theyre repressing gay thoughts

Save yourself grief over this app by barely ever getting on it -me as a life coach who’s barely ever on this app